Hold on to every memory and experience all you can in the present. Memories are now all I have of my son who never got any older than fourteen. I have no videos to bring his voice back except the ones in my mind, since he died in 1991 before I had a way to make videos. I wish I’d been able to capture somehow the way he played with his cars and the sounds he made then when he was five or six. He was usually a happy child who brought sunshine into my life. I have pictures taken with film, and sometimes I hear his voice in my head, but I miss who he was at every stage of his young life.

I identified so much with what you said because I’ve often felt it. Jason moved on from when he was five and my five-year-old was gone forever. Likewise, the later ages passed and were gone. I realize his fourteen-year-old self would also have gone. And it did go. But no older self came to replace it. No older self ever will. So cherish what you have. Hold on to each stage with each child. And do make a few videos so your children’s voices will never be lost to you.

Christian, bereaved adoptive mom, blogger, amateur nature photographer, voracious reader. Married 54 years. Central Coast of California. https://barbrad.com

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