This an issue I did have to deal with. My husband loves kids and wanted a large family. I was ambivalent. I really couldn’t picture myself as a mom of infants. I was ten when my brother was born.

When he was eighteen months old my mother slipped a disk in her back and could no longer pick him up. She spent two weeks in the hospital before she could come home. My brother and I stayed with other family members since my dad worked long hours.

Once we were all home again, I needed to help a lot with my brother’s care since mom couldn’t lift him. I had also assisted in his care from the time he was born. Even after mom healed and my brother could walk more on his own I was still very involved in his care. My mom went back to college and I was the built-in babysitter. When I got home from high school classes my mom took off for her college classes. I took care of my brother until my dad got home.

I know it sounds callous but by the time I got married I felt I had served my time taking care of an infant. I knew what it entailed. I didn’t have any romantic ideas about cuddly little babies. I knew having babies changed people’s lives forever. Yet I knew my husband really wanted children and I felt guilty about the way I felt. I knew I was being selfish.

After we went through the fertility work up, I was relieved to discover we probably could not have any children. If you read my articles with the name Jason in the title you will discover that we finally did have children. Just not in the usual way. And I never had an infant or a toddler.