What you say makes perfect sense to me. Best friends require nurturing. Nurturing takes time. Friendships require some time for just hanging out in person and online to keep up with the little things of life that add up to the big things. I no longer have a best friend. I must be toxic. All my best friends have died. It’s really hard to start over and cultivate a new friendship at my age when I’m old enough to die any day myself.
I know I should be reaching out beyond my husband and casual relationships to make new friends I will need if he dies before I do. I know I need a wider social network of meaningful relationships and that I should be giving more to others instead of jealously guarding my reading and writing time. But right now my relationship with my husband and the extra care he needs at this time in his life is about all I can handle. I have determined that any new friends I make should be younger than me. I don’t want anyone else to die on me.